sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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