after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
