Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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