That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
