I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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