i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
