Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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