I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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