Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
