The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
