the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
