Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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