I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
