I think im going to throw up on grandma
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
