A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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