Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
