You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
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I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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