I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
