youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
