I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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