OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
