i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
