dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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