My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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