i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
