She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
