I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
