It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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