I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
