Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
