please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
