My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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