I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
