Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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