the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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