I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
