I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
