My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
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Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
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You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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