i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
