someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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