she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
