He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
