no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Randomize
