Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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