You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
