so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
