if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
