He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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