Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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