There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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