You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Semen is not good for contacts.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
