So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
