they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
