Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
