one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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